I know almost every week I have a night where I just want to give up and quit, so this is nothing out of the ordinary, but it's just frustrating to know that for the next 8 months I'm stuck interning at this place I hate. I'm stuck with this sporadic, unpredictable schedule that is entirely dependent on others. I'm barely able to have time for myself right now, I know it will only get worse come January. Most people go home and they relax, when I'm home I'm doing school work. I'm mentally exhausted. I miss my friends. It pisses me off that I'm constantly cancelling things with people because I don't know when I'm interning until the last minute. I have a feeling that soon interning will take over my weekends as well in which case I will have zero time to myself. I wish I was like a normal person that had like an hour of "me time" a day, but I don't really feel like I have much time to myself, except maybe when I watch Real World and Project Runway during the week.
I'm so tired. I'm so burnt out. I'm so sick of having a schedule dependent on other people. I'm so sick of having this chaotic, unpredictable life.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
PASSED!
I ended up with an 89 in human sexuality and an 80 in assessment techniques. That class stressed me out hardcore, I'm stoked to have managed to get a B in that class. After these 2 classes ended, I felt this huge weight lifted off of me. It's become very apparent to me just how much school stresses me out and how that stress leaks into other aspects of my life. Being on this one week break from school, I've been in this happy silly mood ever since I turned in my last assignment and I wish I could feel this way all the time.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Invincibility Complex
Accepting the limitations is one of the aspects of Colitis I struggle with the most, as well as the unpredictability and lack of stability. It is hard for me to be willing to be open and share about my health issues to new people. Once people find out I have a stress-induced illness, all the sudden [some] people suddenly feel the need to watch over me and they worry about whether I can handle whatever life stressors I have at the time. It's really discouraging when people worry about me or doubt me, and the more people worry, the more I put pressure on myself to prove to myself and everyone else that I can handle it and I'm not controlled by my disease.
But, the reality is, sometimes I am controlled by the disease.
I haven't accepted it yet. Colitis affects me on a daily basis. Some of it I've gotten so used to it, I don't even think about it anymore, but then when I randomly get sick and can't drive because I'm in so much pain, or I am forced to miss team meetings for my internship or reschedule appointments with clients... when my illness affects my commitments or other people, or prevent me from doing things I need to do, or want to do... that's what I have a hard time with.
I just feel really angry and resentful and discouraged.
But, the reality is, sometimes I am controlled by the disease.
I haven't accepted it yet. Colitis affects me on a daily basis. Some of it I've gotten so used to it, I don't even think about it anymore, but then when I randomly get sick and can't drive because I'm in so much pain, or I am forced to miss team meetings for my internship or reschedule appointments with clients... when my illness affects my commitments or other people, or prevent me from doing things I need to do, or want to do... that's what I have a hard time with.
I just feel really angry and resentful and discouraged.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
oh crap
I just realized how much work I have to do in the next couple weeks. It makes me want to throw up a little.
"How do I act sexy?"
It seems like every week is an emotional rollercoaster with my stress levels. The good news: I'm no longer failing Assessment Techniques! The bad news: It's going to take a lot of work to keep my grade up, but I just have to go hard the next 3 weeks and finish out these classes strong.
I think taking an improv class is one of the best decisions I've ever made. I adore this class. I love having 2 hours completely dedicated to acting like a fool and not having to be myself or worry about classes or interning or anything. Tonight I got up on stage for a couple improv games and the whole time I was up there, I didn't think about the fact that I was in front of a room full of people, I wasn't worried about being funny, I was just up there, embracing it.
It was the coolest feeling. I went from being the scaredy cat of the class, to being excited every time I get to go on stage. I'm in love with this class and I'm going to be so sad when it's over.
I think taking an improv class is one of the best decisions I've ever made. I adore this class. I love having 2 hours completely dedicated to acting like a fool and not having to be myself or worry about classes or interning or anything. Tonight I got up on stage for a couple improv games and the whole time I was up there, I didn't think about the fact that I was in front of a room full of people, I wasn't worried about being funny, I was just up there, embracing it.
It was the coolest feeling. I went from being the scaredy cat of the class, to being excited every time I get to go on stage. I'm in love with this class and I'm going to be so sad when it's over.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Fuck it.
I'm failing assessment techniques and I have no idea if I'll be able to bring my grade up. If I don't, then I won't have enough credits to intern next semester, if I don't intern next semester, I won't be able to graduate by next year.
We had 3 assignments all due on the same day, I failed all of them. There was no rubric or example or anything to go by on what this assignment should look like, and in order to complete it, there were 2 powerpoints explaining the assignment. I had 2 powerpoints, and example documents open in an effort to make sense out of what was expected for this assignment. I think if an assignment is so complicated you need 2 separate powerpoint presentations to explain it, there's a problem, but maybe that's just me. I wrote a rough draft of the assignment early in order to get feedback to make sure I was on the right track and got a 2 sentence long email in response.
I calculated out my hours and realized that I'm already 1/3 of the way finished with my intern hours, but I've already agreed to intern for the school year (haha, assuming I pass this class) and so even though I will technically have my hours completed by November (and could have had a 2 month break) I will have to continue interning until May.
I feel like I'm drowning and I don't know how to reach the surface.
We had 3 assignments all due on the same day, I failed all of them. There was no rubric or example or anything to go by on what this assignment should look like, and in order to complete it, there were 2 powerpoints explaining the assignment. I had 2 powerpoints, and example documents open in an effort to make sense out of what was expected for this assignment. I think if an assignment is so complicated you need 2 separate powerpoint presentations to explain it, there's a problem, but maybe that's just me. I wrote a rough draft of the assignment early in order to get feedback to make sure I was on the right track and got a 2 sentence long email in response.
I calculated out my hours and realized that I'm already 1/3 of the way finished with my intern hours, but I've already agreed to intern for the school year (haha, assuming I pass this class) and so even though I will technically have my hours completed by November (and could have had a 2 month break) I will have to continue interning until May.
I feel like I'm drowning and I don't know how to reach the surface.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
What was I thinking?
Why didn't I choose a major that didn't require further schooling?
I feel silly complaining about how stressed out I am, when a couple years ago I was trying to survive undergrad, while being hospitalized every couple weeks and being heavily medicated, and sick and in pain every single day. In comparison, my life is pretty good right now. I 'm healthy and out of the hospital, I'm working towards accomplishing my goals. In 11 months, I'll have my Master's Degree (hopefully) and I will be done with school forever, or at least awhile, I don't know if I'll ever pursue a Doctorate.
However, I have been known to internalize and bottle up all my stress until the point where my body retaliates against me and I get super sick, so I've created this in order to whine about my life. I try to avoid complaining, but I know what happens when I try to bottle it all up and try to convince myself and everyone around me that I'm fine.
I feel like I have a pretty good handle on school right now, but I know that the next 3 weeks will be the most challenging, as all the big assignments are due in this time. I failed 2 assignments, and at first I was stressed about this, but then I checked my grades and all that means is that now I have B's instead of A's. When I started the grad program and realized I was capable of getting straight A's, I became obsessed with my GPA, but I'm just not sure it's worth it. I always try to do everything to the best of my ability, but if it means completely losing my sanity and never having time for myself or anyone else, I don't think I care about straight A's so much. If I just relax a little bit and accept getting B's, it's amazing how much my stress level immediately decreases. However, my stress level still feels pretty high up there when combined with work and interning. I'm so grateful for the opportunity to intern, but it's hard on me. I leave sessions feeling completely inadequate as a counselor. I feel weird being a 24 year old child, and yet I'm expected to offer parenting advice to moms struggling to raise their handful of children, some of those children are my age. What right do I have to tell someone how to raise their children? I'm not mature enough to raise a child, that's why I don't have one. It's hard to hear moms tell their stories about how much they love their kids and just want to support them and do whatever they can for them, and yet their kids walk all over them, cuss them out, and constantly disrespect them. It's even worse when you have a client whose been suicidal and the mom doesn't even care and pretends that everything is fine.
Instead of focusing on feeling inadequate, I'm trying to focus on areas of improvement and how I can improve these skills or learn new techniques. I know that I'm going to struggle with feeling responsible for my clients and I know I'm going to struggle with emotionally detaching after sessions, which really makes me appreciate my supervisors and colleagues because they are all very supportive.
Every day I wake up trying to be optimistic and make the most of that day, but by the time it's all over I feel so exhausted, overwhelmed, burnt out and every other synonym you can think of that I just don't want to do it again the next day, BUT I do and I wake up and do it all over again. I think I'm just starting to realize how difficult and stressful the next 11 months are going to be until I finally finish my grad program.
I feel silly complaining about how stressed out I am, when a couple years ago I was trying to survive undergrad, while being hospitalized every couple weeks and being heavily medicated, and sick and in pain every single day. In comparison, my life is pretty good right now. I 'm healthy and out of the hospital, I'm working towards accomplishing my goals. In 11 months, I'll have my Master's Degree (hopefully) and I will be done with school forever, or at least awhile, I don't know if I'll ever pursue a Doctorate.
However, I have been known to internalize and bottle up all my stress until the point where my body retaliates against me and I get super sick, so I've created this in order to whine about my life. I try to avoid complaining, but I know what happens when I try to bottle it all up and try to convince myself and everyone around me that I'm fine.
I feel like I have a pretty good handle on school right now, but I know that the next 3 weeks will be the most challenging, as all the big assignments are due in this time. I failed 2 assignments, and at first I was stressed about this, but then I checked my grades and all that means is that now I have B's instead of A's. When I started the grad program and realized I was capable of getting straight A's, I became obsessed with my GPA, but I'm just not sure it's worth it. I always try to do everything to the best of my ability, but if it means completely losing my sanity and never having time for myself or anyone else, I don't think I care about straight A's so much. If I just relax a little bit and accept getting B's, it's amazing how much my stress level immediately decreases. However, my stress level still feels pretty high up there when combined with work and interning. I'm so grateful for the opportunity to intern, but it's hard on me. I leave sessions feeling completely inadequate as a counselor. I feel weird being a 24 year old child, and yet I'm expected to offer parenting advice to moms struggling to raise their handful of children, some of those children are my age. What right do I have to tell someone how to raise their children? I'm not mature enough to raise a child, that's why I don't have one. It's hard to hear moms tell their stories about how much they love their kids and just want to support them and do whatever they can for them, and yet their kids walk all over them, cuss them out, and constantly disrespect them. It's even worse when you have a client whose been suicidal and the mom doesn't even care and pretends that everything is fine.
Instead of focusing on feeling inadequate, I'm trying to focus on areas of improvement and how I can improve these skills or learn new techniques. I know that I'm going to struggle with feeling responsible for my clients and I know I'm going to struggle with emotionally detaching after sessions, which really makes me appreciate my supervisors and colleagues because they are all very supportive.
Every day I wake up trying to be optimistic and make the most of that day, but by the time it's all over I feel so exhausted, overwhelmed, burnt out and every other synonym you can think of that I just don't want to do it again the next day, BUT I do and I wake up and do it all over again. I think I'm just starting to realize how difficult and stressful the next 11 months are going to be until I finally finish my grad program.
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